its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
