I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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