CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
