No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
