Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
