literally had 100 drinks last night.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
