I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
