I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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