she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
