I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
