I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
