I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
