Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
