If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
There are leaves in my underwear?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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