I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
