u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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