my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
