just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
