I feel like abortions should bother me more
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
NoShamevember. You game?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
