i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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