I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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