I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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