why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
