If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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