New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
