your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
