i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
