he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
