Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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