man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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