You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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