Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
