You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
