Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
