Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
