things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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