He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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