I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
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