Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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