My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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