I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
