whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
