sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
