the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
