i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
