I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
