I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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