Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
