he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Randomize
