she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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